Things change. That's how life goes.
I understand that, but it doesn't make it easy.
When I first moved here, I decided I'd keep helping out at Ashgrove West church. It meant an hour drive each way on a Sunday, but I love the congregation, and I really feel I belong there.
Now, I've had to admit it's more than I can manage.
The Sunday before last, I was so sore and tired after the drive, I struggled to stand to lead communion. Everyone could see just how hard it was. No-one seemed surprised when I said I have to give up.
I'm going back next month, to lead communion for the last time.
In the meantime, I've been to the local church, Ipswich Central. It's nice. The people seem friendly. I don't yet feel there's anything I can really contribute, but I'm sure it will come in time. God will help me find a place in this congregation. And, of course, it means I will have the chance to get to know more people in the community I actually live in.
It's not bad. It's just change. I know that. But I'm still grieving over what I have to give up, and resentful that this is another thing lupus has taken from me.
I also had to give up a lot. I gave up my church, my family, because they couldn't understand why I gave up church. The loss of all these people, friends and family made me realize I HAVE to take care of myself because no one else will help me. The exception being my children, but I don't want their life revolving around my lupus and limitations. My biggest regret is not being able to spread myself around enough to have time for everyone. My physical limitations were and are extremely difficult to deal with. I was always active outside, gardening, walking, sailing. Thank you Lupus for taking that away. So now I am starting from scratch, baby steps. Literally.
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